Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Girls just wanna have fun ~ Cyndi Lauper
Make some fun, happy time ~ Alex Ovechkin

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Episode 13: The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

(This isn’t a hockey post. This isn’t a sports post. This is a life post. And since it’s my fucking blog, I’m just gonna leave this here.)

First I’d like to say “Hey World, did ya miss me?” Secondly, a big THANK YOU to everyone who noticed I’d been pretty much non-existent for quite a while and DM’d, texted, and emailed me with their concerns. You all rock and you know who you are.

It’s been a pretty bad year for me, both personally and professionally. I didn’t want to post long diatribes on FB of all my problems, I kinda cringe when I see those in my timeline, so it felt hypocritical. But lately, I’ve been tempted to and realized what significance that was to me. So, here’s the deal…

Last summer, my life started into a downward spiral with some dysfunctional family decisions that were forced upon me. Autumn arrived with some professional disappointments that seemed unfair and overwhelming. Then the spiral became a true pit of despair when I decided to quit smoking on top of all that. Yeah, pile on the misery. The anxiety of nicotine withdrawal and the weight gain, certain work related problems that were not improving, throw in some fucked up family shit and the result was full blown depression. Not as far as suicidal, but pretty fucking bad. The kind of depression that is so close to self-loathing that mirrors are in danger of being smashed. The kind of depression that makes you hide from everything and when forced to interact, you plaster a phony smile on because resting bitch face has become real bitch face. Not many people realize how depression can result in so much anger. Anger at the world for putting me in that position and anger at myself for putting myself in that position. I wasn’t very nice to people during this last year. I’m truly sorry for that. Baby steps.

Anyway, I knew I needed to face my professional disappointments and work towards a new solution. I knew needed to tackle the fucking weight gain and get back to feeling half-way normal again. I knew needed to let go of petty family bullshit and not allow the hurtful behavior of assholes rent space in my head. I knew all of these things in my brain, but convincing the rest of me was pretty damned tough. Being the ornery bitch that I am, I found my “fuck it” voice and I started working really hard to overcome the total blueness of my life. There is no quick solution to depression, even with medication, it takes time. Baby steps.

Then, Robin Williams committed suicide and my world crashed down into a reality check of epic proportions.

Epic proportions? Scoff all you want, but it felt that way to me. It wasn’t because his death was so personal to me, it was the aftermath; the reactions to his death that did it. It was odd- reading all those articles and blogs about depression, but I kinda took them to heart. That outpouring of support after Robin Williams’ death actually kinda helped me in a roundabout way. That was when I realized that I wanted to talk to the world again. That I was an ok person and I could find a way back. And, that there were people in the world that were ok with me that I had forgotten about. I didn’t want sympathy for having depression, I was just ready to get back into life again. I needed to recognize that the work I had been doing to overcome all my misery was actually paying off; in small degrees but degrees nonetheless. So being tempted to write posts on FB signaled to me that I was beginning to see a light at the end of what had seemed like an endless tunnel. Ancient proverb says: The road to recovery is long, but worn out shoe leather is proof of the journey (or some such bullshit). Baby steps.

So, anyway, that’s it. That’s my story. Hopefully, ya'll aren't thinking "TMI woman, T. M. I." Actually, if you are thinking that and got this far, that's really your problem, not mine. Suffice it to say, I’m not 100% yet, but who is? Carry on and thanks for reading.

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