More silliness to combat the summer doldrums. C’mon, it isn’t hockey season yet, so let’s get that rumor mill spinning:
Breaking News: Scott Hartnell shaves his head and donates his hair to Locks of Love. Locks of Love promptly returns the donation due to infestation of lice.
This just in: Chris Mason of the Atlanta Thrashers traded to the Utah Grizzlies of the ECHL. Thrashers receive a Tim Horton’s franchise and new Zamboni driver in return.
Have you heard? Jonathan Toews decides he’s tired of explaining to non-hockey fans how to pronounce his name and legally changes it to Jon Doew. But Marian Hossa, in a similar situation, decides the simple name of “Mari” would be less subject to ridicule without having to change his monogram. After all, who wants to order all new bath towels? Being as it’s Marian Hossa, no one comments, lest they piss him off.
Press Release: Sean Avery is signed by the Ford Modeling Agency. His agent reports that Sean will be featured in an upcoming issue of Glamour magazine titled “Sean Avery – Deity or Just Disturbed?”
Online today: Tampa Bay Lightning change their mascot to a dolphin, pissing off the Miami NFL team; war is declared. Tampa declares victory after stick checking Miami’s players and facewashing Chad Pennington. Sensing weakness, the Florida Panthers also declare war on the Miami Dolphins just so they can warm up for the new season.
More Breaking News: After watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Dany Heatley is inspired to steal a Great White shark from the San Diego Zoo’s shark tank. Police decide not to press charges because, after all, he IS Dany Fucking Heatley. Dany’s new pet will be on display at the hp Pavilion during the regular NHL season. For a small donation, fans can throw sushi from the concession stands into the tank during the hours of noon and ten pm. All proceeds will be donated to Dany Fucking Heatley (since he went to all the trouble to steal the shark in the first place. To quote Mr. Heatley; “You’re Welcome, San Jose.)
Our Top Story Tonight: Ted Leonsis; owner of the Washington Capitals, convinces President Obama to finally attend a Washington Capitals hockey game. Due to the extreme demands for security for the President, all tickets for the game will be reserved for the Secret Service. Season ticket holders will be compensated for their loss of tickets with free tickets to a Washington Wizards game and a complimentary pointy wizard hat.
Press Release: Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins signs endorsement contract with DuWop Cosmetics to promote their product; Lip Venom.