(This isn’t a hockey post. This
isn’t a sports post. This is a life post. And since it’s my fucking blog, I’m
just gonna leave this here.)
First I’d like to say “Hey World,
did ya miss me?” Secondly, a big THANK YOU to everyone who noticed I’d been
pretty much non-existent for quite a while and DM’d, texted, and emailed me
with their concerns. You all rock and you know who you are.
It’s been a pretty bad year for
me, both personally and professionally. I didn’t want to post long diatribes on
FB of all my problems, I kinda cringe when I see those in my timeline, so it
felt hypocritical. But lately, I’ve been tempted to and realized what
significance that was to me. So, here’s the deal…
Last summer, my life started into
a downward spiral with some dysfunctional family decisions that were forced
upon me. Autumn arrived with some professional disappointments that seemed
unfair and overwhelming. Then the spiral became a true pit of despair when I
decided to quit smoking on top of all that. Yeah, pile on the misery. The
anxiety of nicotine withdrawal and the weight gain, certain work related
problems that were not improving, throw in some fucked up family shit and the
result was full blown depression. Not as far as suicidal, but pretty fucking
bad. The kind of depression that is so close to self-loathing that mirrors are
in danger of being smashed. The kind of depression that makes you hide from
everything and when forced to interact, you plaster a phony smile on because
resting bitch face has become real bitch face. Not many people realize how
depression can result in so much anger. Anger at the world for putting me in
that position and anger at myself for putting myself in that position. I wasn’t
very nice to people during this last year. I’m truly sorry for that. Baby
steps.
Anyway, I knew I needed to face
my professional disappointments and work towards a new solution. I knew needed
to tackle the fucking weight gain and get back to feeling half-way normal
again. I knew needed to let go of petty family bullshit and not allow the
hurtful behavior of assholes rent space in my head. I knew all of these things
in my brain, but convincing the rest of me was pretty damned tough. Being the ornery
bitch that I am, I found my “fuck it” voice and I started working really hard
to overcome the total blueness of my life. There is no quick solution to
depression, even with medication, it takes time. Baby steps.
Then, Robin Williams committed
suicide and my world crashed down into a reality check of epic proportions.
Epic proportions? Scoff all you
want, but it felt that way to me. It wasn’t because his death was so personal
to me, it was the aftermath; the reactions to his death that did it. It was
odd- reading all those articles and blogs about depression, but I kinda took
them to heart. That outpouring of support after Robin Williams’ death actually kinda
helped me in a roundabout way. That was when I realized that I wanted to talk
to the world again. That I was an ok person and I could find a way back. And,
that there were people in the world that were ok with me that I had forgotten
about. I didn’t want sympathy for having depression, I was just ready to get
back into life again. I needed to recognize that the work I had been doing to
overcome all my misery was actually paying off; in small degrees but degrees
nonetheless. So being tempted to write posts on FB signaled to me that I was
beginning to see a light at the end of what had seemed like an endless tunnel. Ancient
proverb says: The road to recovery is long, but worn out shoe leather is proof
of the journey (or some such bullshit). Baby steps.
So, anyway, that’s it. That’s my
story. Hopefully, ya'll aren't thinking "TMI woman, T. M. I." Actually,
if you are thinking that and got this far, that's really your problem, not
mine. Suffice it to say, I’m not 100% yet, but who is? Carry on and thanks for
reading.
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