You all know I do not belong to
the mainstream media, which is a blessing because I can use my blog to make
shit up. So, let’s play a game and make some shit up! And since this is a
hockey blog (at times) mainly devoted to the Washington Capitals (at times), I
am going to use them for inspiration. (It’s not like I’m going to be allowed to
interview any of these guys anyway, or that there is any REAL hockey news that you haven’t read elsewhere.)
Alex Ovechkin once wrestled a bear from the Russian circus.
He beat him in round 5 with a power slam to the mat. The gold belt is hanging
in his walk-in closet in Moscow. Mama polishes it once a month. Alex and the
bear still exchange emails and photographs on Instagram. If the Russian circus
ever comes to DC, the bear was promised the use of Ovi’s guest suite.
Nick Backstrom enjoys cooking
Italian food, (no, not Swedish). He has a pasta attachment on his Kitchen Aid mixer
and makes a mean sausage ravioli. But the sauce is by Newman’s Own. Nick has
always identified with Butch Cassidy. He also has a “Kiss the Cook” apron
hanging inside the pantry and a complete set of DVD’s of Giada De Laurentiis.
Eric Fehr loves bird watching.
While growing up in Manitoba, he would spend his summers, binoculars in hand,
combing the shore of Lake Agassiz
for the elusive Cinnamon Teal. He once won a medal at summer camp called “The
Feathered Friend” for his heroic life saving techniques when he discovered a
duck sitting quietly on the shore that he felt needed to be returned to the water,
asap.
Mathieu Perreault is really 5’ 7”;
his height on record includes skates…and lifts.
John Carlson, known to Caps fans
as Captain America, actually wore a Captain America costume for Halloween in 4th
grade. He also got a tattoo of Captain America’s shield on his right ankle after
the World Juniors, but it’s a bit faded now and needs retouching.
Braden Holtby was going to name
his child Sunshine Lollipop Holtby if it had been a girl, because his father is
such a huge Lesley Gore fan. Here’s hoping he gets his chance with the next
one.
Brooks Laich actually makes his
own yogurt. He uses a special yogurt maker from Williams-Sonoma, purchased with a gift
card that he won in the annual Caps Christmas grab bag. His favorite flavor is
vanilla. He uses whole vanilla beans that he gets at Trader Joe’s and deseeds
them with a French knife. He also has color coded cutting boards for fish,
meat, and vegtables. The man is a cooking fool.
Jeff Schultz is just a 6’ 6”
hunka hunka burning love. Or so I’ve heard.
John Erskine went to school with
my husband’s uncle Joe (who is also from Kingston, Ontario). John once shared a
pack of gum with Joe in the school cafeteria. Joe still needs to pay John back,
but he can’t remember if it was Bazooka or Double Bubble. John, give Joe a call
and take him out of his misery, ok?
Tom Poti includes Pilates in his daily
workout. He was inspired to do so by watching Susan Lucci demonstrate the
Malibu Pilates system ($369.95 on HSN), while recovering from hockey injuries.
He credits his return to hockey on his strengthened core and sculpted arms.
Michal Neuvirth chose #30 for his
jersey as a nod to former Capitals goalie Jim Carey, but when asked, will say
it’s because all goalies wear #30 and deny all knowledge of any Capitals goalie
prior to Olie Kolzig, (even though Olie wore #37 and he wishes he could change
it now because Olie is the greatest, but that would piss off too many fans like
that guy Varly did when he switched from #40 to #1). Michal actually speaks in
run-on sentences just like that.
Jay Beagle loves the nickname
Snoopy so much; he built a doghouse in his backyard and pretends to chase after
the Red Baron when he takes breaks from mowing the lawn. He also likes to steal
blankets and carry dog bowls in his mouth, but that really is just hearsay
until someone catches it on YouTube.
Jason Chimera eats two bowls of
Wheaties with 4 teaspoons of sugar on each bowlful every day. Yeah, that’s how he got so fast. It’s also why
he speaks so fast. Sugar buzz baby.
Karl Alzner is secretly on
Twitter as @KarLznerInc0g0nit0. Don’t tell anyone I told you, he doesn’t want
crazy fans making stupid comments to him. Just let him be, ok?
Aaron Volpatti was so happy to become
a Washington Capital that he promised to cook a special dinner for Ted Leonsis and
his family once a week. But with the diet Ted’s been on, Volpatti has yet to
make good on that promise. He did get a secret recipe for tortellini from
Backstrom when he arrived, but Laich keeps on insisting he use some of his
homemade yogurt in a dish, so it’s a good thing none of this has come to
fruition yet.
Joel Ward doesn’t approve of being made fun of. I’m
not risking it.
Troy Brouwer once took the L to
the Wilson Red Line stop in Chicago at midnight on a dare from Patrick Kane and thankfully, he was lucky he got back alive. He
says it was the craziest thing he’d ever done. Well, except for believing Kane
that he’d find a Tim Hortons there but he was really jonesing for some Timbits.
Matt Hendricks belonged to Boy Scouts
in school, and even achieved the Eagle Scout rank, but his badges and sash were
stripped from him when he was discovered giving some disrespecting punk a
wedgie at the annual Jamboree. He still sings campfire songs in the shower though.
You can take the boy out of the Scouts, but you can’t take the Scouts out of
the boy, I guess.
Jack Hillen is really 5’ 7”; his
height on record includes skates…and lifts.
Mike Green doesn’t really drink
Muscle Milk, he pours it into the Jacuzzi for its skin softening attributes.
Sadly, it has clogged the jets. But Mike did see that guy waving on the back of
the plumber’s truck driving through Ballston, so he called him and has an appointment to get it fixed later this week.
Well, he doesn’t have anything better to do than wait for plumbers, right?
Marcus Johansson really doesn’t
shop at Ikea. He prefers Danish Modern furniture. And, Princesstårta. (Oh, just
go Google it. Geesh)
Joey Crabb isn’t a real blonde.
You can tell because his eyebrows don’t match his hair. He obviously bleaches
his eyebrows to create that intimidating blank face look. You know, like when
you forget to use eyebrow pencil and it looks like you’re surprised all day and
people ask you why you look different? Oh, that doesn’t happen to anyone else?
Ok, never mind.
Steve Oleksy carries a secret
stash of Milk Duds in his luggage, cuz he really really liked his time in
Hershey. Whenever the team travels, he breaks them out and uses them as chips
for the poker game. Well, who the hell carries matchsticks anymore? And the
guys don’t mind winning them off him; it keeps the hunger pangs at bay until
they can soak him for a pricey rookie dinner at The Palm.
Mike Ribeiro was once asked to
play DJ Pauly D’s sidekick on Jersey Shore. Unfortunately, Mike’s bling was at
Zales getting cleaned that week. Now that Jersey Shore is gone, his agent is
calling MTV in hopes of hookin’ him up somewhere else. A man needs a retirement
plan, I’m just sayin’.
Tomas Kundratek thought he had to wear an actual
medicine hat when he went to play in the WHL. It took four weeks before his
road roommate could snatch it away and throw it over the balcony of the Marriott.
It happened to land on a groundskeeper, who promptly stomped it to death,
thinking it was some kind of gigantic bird that had fallen out of the sky. The
groundskeeper has lived off the beers from this story when he tells it in the
Marriott bar.
Wojtek Wolski really doesn’t
speak English that well. He actually uses Al Koken as a ventriloquist dummy
when he is interviewed between periods at games. Next time it happens, look
really close and you’ll see his lips don’t move. Oh, and Al Koken really isn’t
5’ 6”; his height on record includes skates…and lifts.
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