When It’s Time to Change

No, do not expect me to get all maudlin because the end of the year is upon us. Even though Spring is usually thought of as a time for rebirth, I like to think that a new year is the perfect time for change. Not resolution changes, who the hell actually keeps resolutions anyway? But actual changes that don’t require a gym membership, therapist visit, or trip to the diet food aisle.

So, that being said, the following are a list of things that I am going to change starting now:

I will no longer drink  swear  be sarcastic  laugh my ass off at idiots …

Aw, fuck it, let’s go get a beer and enjoy ourselves!

Happy New Year!!!

Advocating Innuendo

(Disclaimer: This is not my usual style of post, but still an example of the way I think. No, I am not a slut. I just have an extremely filthy mind that is usually kept under wraps, but my husband & friends know all about it.  PLEASE read this with the humor that is intended! If you are easily offended or if this makes you uncomfortable, stop right here and go back to your Lifetime movie, I don’t mind.)

I love innuendo. And a recent Twitter discussion (with @SpeakoftheDevs, of course!), got me thinking along those lines. So, the epic snow of December 09 is still on the ground and I’m bored, and naturally my mind wanders.

There are so many hockey terms that can easily be used as examples of double entendre and sexual innuendo. Anybody who knows me will tell you; my next logical step would be that I take it to the extreme.

I’d like to propose a game. I thought of as many applicable hockey terms that I could and went online to get a few more. See if you can think up a paragraph about hockey using some of the terms from the list. It may be like homework, but, I promise, if you have a mind like mine (or like Carlos’), you’ll have fun.

One thing you may not know about me; I am a closet goalie fan. Not any goalie in particular, just goalies in general. To me, there is nothing better than watching a good goalie in action. Now, add some ‘hockey terms’ to the way a goalie plays and see if you can appreciate the double entendres that can be applied. It wouldn’t be fair to ask you to do a little homework without writing a paragraph myself (although rather tame as a precaution-don't want to scare off any timid readers who have gotten this far), so here is mine:

Who could not love what a goalie does when he’s in the net? I could watch them protecting their five hole all night long. And, I’d get between their pipes anytime, especially if the result is a biscuit in my basket. Even if they don’t personally pay the price for a penalty, I’d happily get in the sin bin with one of them. When they swallow up that puck, or spread out into the butterfly position, I melt like the ice in their crease. A goalie can light my lamp by just keeping a squirter from going through. There would be nothing better than a full strength body check into the boards from a goalie in my opinion, laying on the lumber with a little roughing added in. But, unfortunately, the only way I am going to score with a goalie is if my husband takes up hockey. On second thought, that’s not such a bad idea…

Here is the list:

Back Check
Banana Blade
Between the Pipes
Biscuit/Biscuit in the Basket
Boarding
Body Check
Butterfly
Cherry Picking
Crease
Curl and Drag
Dangle
Dive
Dump and Chase
Face Off
Face Wash
Five Hole
Forward Line
Full Strength
Grinder
Head Deke
Holding
Hooking
Icing
Kneeing
Knob
Laying on the Lumber
Light the Lamp
Meat Wagon
Poke Check
Power Play
Roughing
Saucer Pass
Shaft
Sin Bin
Soft Hands
Split the D
Three on Two/Five on Three/etc
Top Titty (FYI-I have never actually heard anyone use this term, but I did find it online & laughed my ass off!)
Wrap Around

Additional Joe B/Lockerisms (Caps fans will recognize these):
Dipsy Do
Kabong
Squirter
Squeaker
Swallow him up

Ok, so now you probably know more about me than my own mother does. If it changes your opinion of me in a negative way, that’s ok. Like I said at the top, this isn’t my usual style of post, I was bored and my mind wandered...Any questions?

Critical Thinking?

Critical –adjective: inclined to find fault or to judge with severity, often too readily.

If you are reading this, you are either a Twitter follower or may have been sent the link from a Twitter follower. Either way, if you haven’t already figured it out, I’m sarcastic and I don’t kiss ass.

I usually do not hold back when I am passionate about something. I’ll march on Washington for people’s rights. I’ll sign petitions to enact or preserve laws I believe in. I’ll give the shirt off my back and money out of my pocket to people who truly need help. And, I will defend my family, friends, and even my team when I feel they are being ‘threatened’. I am a lioness who protects her cubs. (*lioness* not cougar, to those that went there!)

So, when it comes to criticizing, let’s differentiate it from constructive criticism.

On occasion, I may have said something regarding the Capitals that could be considered a criticism as described above. I try not to, so if there is something out there, my apologies. Show it to me and I’ll happily delete it. I hope I have shown one and all that my allegiances to my team are sincere and realistic. I do not post rants saying that the coach should be fired. I do not spew rhetoric that the General Manager does not know how to do his job. I do not assume to know how to play hockey or run a hockey team. And I find it repugnant when people who claim to be fans of our team do just that. These types of comments are the criticisms that get my dander up.

I’ll grant you; these people are entitled to say what they wish, where they wish and when they wish. The First Amendment to the United States Constitution, grants them this right. But, the First Amendment also grants me the same right, which I choose to exercise to the fullest. Hopefully, I accomplish this with a little more intelligence, but that too is a matter of opinion; I’m ok with that.

On the other hand, there is an army of people out there who write blogs and news articles. In my mind, the majority of these people offer constructive criticism of our team (see my list of a few of my favorites on the right). I read these blogs and articles. I usually learn from them. Most are people whose knowledge I trust and rely on to further my understanding of the game. Their opinions are usually well thought out, well written, and well researched. Yes, they may disagree with my opinion on things such as our goalie or our defensemen, but I am open to what they have to say. They, in turn, are also open to what I have to say. (And on the rare occasion that I do comment on one of their blogs, it’s usually one that 'gets' me, since I tend to gravitate to like minded people.)

I try to be nice. I try to be tactful and diplomatic. Sometimes I fail. But, if you are going to use public forums to bash our team while you claim to be a fan, go ahead, but be prepared for a fight...Any questions?

Dear @NHL_shop,

At the risk of total ostracization from the NHL, male hockey bloggers, and Twitter followers in general, I would like to write to you concerning to your tweet posted today, 11/3/09, regarding your ‘line’ of ‘Women’s Fashion Jerseys’. I would like to think I speak for a multitude of female NHL fans when I say; excuse me?

When you offer a line of clothing to female hockey fans, do you do any market surveys with women hockey fans?

I am quite sure there is a market for this line of pink jerseys that you are promoting to women. There must be, otherwise you would not continue to offer them. But, and I would like to emphasize BUT , please recognize there are so many women hockey fans that do not wish to wear pink jerseys. (Here are some words to live by-pink is for lingerie and Breast Cancer Fundraising).

If the NHL would offer ‘regulation’ style jerseys in team colors with a women in mind, we would all appreciate it and probably swamp your store with orders. It is very difficult to find women’s hockey jerseys that are actually made for a woman, let alone ones that come pre-customized with a player's name and number. In searching online and after reviewing the comments in reply to your posting, I can see that many women feel it is a relentless endeavor.

In the hope that I can persuade you to consider our pleas,

I would like to direct you to a recent blog article called “Sexism and the NHL third jersey: Female fan's plight, fight” written by Greg Wyshynski on his Puck Daddy blog, dated 10/30/09, where even though he is writing about NHL Third Jerseys, this could be applied to all NHL team jerseys. He states:

This might all seem like quite a mountainous molehill, but it speaks directly to the problems many female fans have had with the League's marketing approach. Creating a female-cut version of a third jersey seems like such a fundamentally sound decision -- the jerseys are usually more visually striking, in a fashion sense, than the usual gear -- that it was rather stunning to discover that they aren't available.

Is it possible that women's cut jerseys are available off the Web, or that they're on the way? Sure. But for now, it's either a pitiful oversight or, worse, an intentional decision not to tailor these jerseys for female fans in the same way that traditional home jerseys are; either way, it needs to be rectified by the teams that aren't currently offering them.

Secondly, is it possible to find a line of clothing whose name is not insulting to women fans? I am speaking of “Be Luv’d”, “touch” by Alyssa Milano, and “Ice Flirt”. These names are a connotation of the image of the female hockey fan as the proverbial ‘puck bunny'. I would be embarrassed to wear any clothing with a trade name such as those, and I am sure I am not alone in this.

Finally, I would like you to consider the role the NHL, (and thereby; the NHL Shop), plays in the marketing to women fans. Among many of the responses to your posting regarding the ‘fashion jerseys’, (and yes, I must put that in quotes, because there really is very little that is ‘fashionable’ about them), I would like to call your attention to a comment made by @sweetestofdekes,

“@nhl_shop, in fact, I'd like you to meet my master's thesis on marketing hockey to women sometime. Have your people call my people.”

I have read her thesis, and find it extremely well written and informative. Not only speaking as a feminist, which I am, but as a female hockey fan, there is a lot the NHL could learn if you broaden your thinking in regards to women fans.

So, as much as I, and thousands of other female hockey fans, support the NHL, the NHL Shop, and our home teams, please realize that our complaint isn’t so much the pink jerseys, as it is the lack of women’s jerseys in team colors that we would be proud to wear to any NHL game. Offer those in addition to the pink ‘jerseys’ and we’ll happily and quietly scoff at the ‘Women’s Fashion Jerseys’ while we attend our NHL games feeling like our voices and opinions matter to the NHL…Any questions?

The Smell of Desperation in the Morning

Gonna be short and sweet here. It is one thing to kiss ass, sometimes it’s a necessary evil. It is another thing to be so immature that you reek of desperation.

Desperation for acceptance, desperation for love or friendship, desperation for credibility.

Think back on what you have said and done. Reread your Facebook and/or Twitter postings. Try seeing them from another’s viewpoint. If you can be objective with yourself, you might just recognize that sickly aroma.

If your postings include:

~Any whining about not having a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife (try match.com),

~Replies to people outside of your own circle of actual acquaintances; trying to give yourself status or an ‘in’; where you would normally not belong (obey the do not enter sign),

~Suggestions on how something should be done or could be improved upon (like you’re one to talk?),

~Any time you didn’t get a response and felt like you’ve been left out (is that the sound of crickets I hear?),

~Taking credit for someone else’s idea (we know who invented the elevator and it wasn’t you),

~Something you thought was ‘cute’ just to try and get some affirmation (cute is for babies and kittens),

then you are coming across as desperate. Sad but true. These things will not garner you acceptance, only pity or ridicule. Not quite what you were looking for, was it?

Unless you are totally brain dead, you know when you are doing this. You think to yourself, ‘if I say *this*, then people will think I’m cool’, or ‘if I get *Elvis* to reply to me, people will like me. But, trust me on this, the reek of desperation is there, we smell it…Any questions?

Social Networking = Popularity Contest?

First things first, I love people (most of the time). I love to meet new people, learn new things, get ideas and thoughts that might have never occurred to me, people watch in crowds, the whole shebang. I enjoy Twitter and Facebook. I like connecting to strangers and maybe make new friends, (can’t have enough of those in this life!). And, secondly-a little disclaimer here- this is NOT directed at any of my current Twitter followers or Facebook friends, just so you know, but to people I've unfollowed or unfriended, because I've kinda had enough! I vent, and that’s how this blog rolls.

So, that being said, am I the only one who has noticed that these sites can occasionally turn into popularity contests? Not so much Twitter and Facebook fan sites; i.e. counting their followers. Fan sites can be informative and fun, so why not? I talkin’ more in the vein of ‘I did that too, only better’, or ‘I’m smarter than you and I can prove it’ one-upmanship. It’s like meeting someone at a party and you begin to tell some little story and they immediately interrupt, telling a similar story of their own, and you know their only purpose is to show you they fit in or are ‘better’ than you.

I’ll willing to admit that I have found myself disappointed when a Twitterer follows someone I also follow but not me. Or, a Facebook 'friend' replies to someone with a more in-depth or interesting answer than I had gotten. Or even ignores me totally. I find myself thinking, why/why not me? Self deprecation can hit us all at one time or another, we are human after all. But, when this happens, I am reminded of something I learned a long time ago, but frequently forget; life is not a popularity contest. (Also reminded of; ‘It’s not personal-it’s business’, ‘Whoever has the most toys at the end of the game, wins’ and ‘It’s not who you know but who you blow’, but maybe those aren’t quite as applicable here.)

So, to all those people who have the urge to one-up somebody, I just want to jump in and say ‘Chill out!’ If you whip out the ‘I’m just as good/better than you’ card, do you really think we all sit back and say: ‘Oh, X is so much smarter than me?’, or ‘I am so jealous of X, it must be great to be them.’? Unfortunately, the answer to that is a resounding NO, your desperation for approval screams off the page. So what if you met So and So, so what if you drive an X, so what if you graduated from X University? For the most part, people aren’t as impressed as you think they are.

And, to all of us who have been one-upped, just a reminder, life is not a popularity contest…Any questions?

Chauvinist or just insecure? So, which guy are you?

It never fails to amaze me when a person of the male persuasion gets all macho. Do you think ½ the population is not worthy of your attention? Word of warning to those ‘guys’ out there who do, are you sure you know exactly who you are dealing with?

I’m sure you’ve noticed, I do not give my real name or show my picture on this blog or on Twitter. It is not because I have anything to be ashamed of. I like fucking with people’s heads. (Yeah, I’m mean that way). Seriously, though, I know the internet, I know what goes out there in the stratosphere, I like to be able to speak my mind but not have it come back and bite me in the ass if I ever need a new job in the future. Just playing it safe; sad to say, but there it is.

But, that being said, it brings me back to the question; do you really know who you are disregarding when you write off women, Mr. Big Shot? I could be your boss, or your boss’s wife. I could be the waitress you see all the time and am willing to spit in your food before I serve you. I could be a cop that pulls you over and bumps a speeding ticket up to reckless driving just because I can. I could be the judge in the courtroom when you go to traffic or divorce court. I could be the doctor in the emergency room when you have to come in at 3 a.m. Are you willing to take that chance?

Maybe you are just insecure. Are you afraid of women, Mr. Macho? Do smart women intimidate you? Do good looking women intimidate you? How about a combination of both? Bet that scares the shit out of you! We see you pander to attractive women, but how do you know I’m not attractive? I have enough confidence in myself to think I am, which is what matters most, so fortunately, I don’t need your validation. (But, you could be missing the chance to pander to me). And, even though I am not going to give you proof, you can take my word for it…I am smart. Actually, very smart. Most of the women I know are smart too. I have an uncanny ability to read people, mostly because I listen, so, I can guarantee, every single woman I follow or who follows me on Twitter is smart. Pay attention, Mr. BMOC, this ½ of the population has things to say that might just impress or teach you. Yeah, some of it is drivel, we do like to have fun, but that does not condone rudeness on your part.

That’s what this comes down to, rudeness. Maybe your momma didn’t do her job raising you, or maybe you didn’t have a momma, but I seriously doubt both of those things. You could excuse yourself as a product of your environment, but in this day and age, that ain’t gonna fly. But it guarantees me one thing; I have no doubt that you aren’t even reading this. Whether you are a chauvinist, insecure, or both, you won’t even recognize this as being directed at you. That’s ok, it’s really written for my own venting purposes. But, on the off chance you are, please remember this, respect is a two way street, Mr. Misogynist. I’m sure you would be surprised if you felt disrespected, but you have no qualms about doing that to ½ the population. We know it, we see it and we have no respect for you because of it...Any questions?